Talkin' Texan
Diets Atkins - Adkins
I’ve tried low-fat diets, high-fat diets, the Hollywood Diet, the Peanut Butter Diet, the Vinegar Diet, the Grapefruit Diet, the Pickle Diet and the Beer Diet. I’ve probably tried nearly every diet known to man, or woman and I’m still totally confused about diets. Gee, I really shouldn’t be, because there are only about 18,423 diet books on today’s market. If we were to add in the other diets available to us on radio, television, newspaper ads, wall posters, and all the stuff posted on telephone poles, steel posts, store windows, grocery store bulletin boards, and thousands upon thousands of bumper stickers we’d have around 23,600 weight loss diets from which to choose.
Lately I’ve been looking at all these various diets to see which one has the best track record for weight loss and overall health, primarily because I’ve gained way over 30 pounds in the last year since my company gave me an inside office position. I was working out in the field and pulled a groin muscle. I could barely walk and ended up on crutches so my boss was gracious enough to offer me a position at corporate headquarters while my injury healed. It’s not so much the difference in job activity that has given me so much weight gain; it’s the food changes in my daily eating habits.
There are around a hundred folks working at corporate headquarters and the office ladies are always having Birthday Parties, Baby Showers, Wedding Parties, Engagement Parties, Going Away Parties, Valentine Days Parties, Christmas Parties, etc., etc, etc. You may have guessed that the featured foods at these gatherings are never Salads, Fruits, or Vegetables. Nope, it’s Cakes, Cookies, Pies, Chips & Dips, and lots of any of the most fattening finger foods. Most of their Home Baked Cookies and Creamed Cheese Iced Cakes are simply irresistible.
These various Parties are very delicious and much fun, but they have taken their toll on my aging physique and I was beginning to look like I just might possibly be the first male listed in the Guinness Book of World Records to give birth to a child. Yeah, My body was rapidly switching from the letter "T" shape to the unflattering letter "C" shape and I didn’t want my once athletic build to develop into the dreaded "O" shape.
They say that you should always ask your Doctor before you go on any diet, so I made an appointment to see him. Oh, what a good boy am I. I stuck in my thumb and pulled out a plumb, or something like that. Anyway, I paid a visit to my Doctor and he informed me that I had acute and chronic case of "Dunlap Disease". Oh No! It was much worse than I had feared, because I was still wearing a 38 waist in pants size, but my rapidly protruding belly had dun lapped over my belt. Very serious indeed!
I decided that I must immediately go on a "crash diet" and lose all this excess weight. As I was driving back to work my confused and befuddled mind was churning with the multitude of diets that are available on today’s markets and I almost crashed into a dump truck. Well, that’s one form of a "crash diet" that I don’t need, because I really don’t care too much for hospital food. Plus, I had recently read that in 98% of all deaths that last person that the deceased talked to, or saw was a Doctor! Hospitals and Doctors, plus Ambulances, Hospital food, Preachers, Ministers, stretchers, and wheelchairs are not a very good combination for losing weight. Losing ones life, yes.
When I returned home that evening my local library was already closed, so I logged on to the Internet to see what Diets were available. Ah so, I found a very interesting and somewhat curious Japanese Diet. It seems that there is an awful lot of shouting and hollering during endless meetings and discussions about such things as Business, the economy, construction, highways, transportation, employment, new jobs, building heights, industry, and earthquakes. I’m sorta puzzled as to how this Japanese Diet helps someone lose weight. It must have something to do with all the shouting, hollering and frequent earthquakes.
While driving into work the next morning I spotted a new restaurant in a nearby strip mall called The Lo cal Café. I decided to stop in and as I perused their menu I was more than impressed with the vast amounts of foods that I loved was listed as Lo cal. Yep, this was the place indeed. I ate every meal here for 3 weeks and lost a total of a gain of ten pounds. Hey, what happened? I asked the owner of my favorite establishment and he informed me that there had been just a slight typo in their Cafes business sign. It was supposed to be The Local Café and not the Lo cal.
After chatting with several friends and acquaintances and hearing them brag about the amazing results they had achieved while on the Adkins Died (Atkins Diet), I decided to give this diet a shot. Gosh, it had all the stuff I loved, like Steak, Pork chops, Lamb chops, Eggs, Bacon, Bratwurst, Sausages, fried foods, and lots of veggies. There was quite a bit of controversy about this diet because of all of the talk about the tremendous amounts of fat laden foods that one was required to consume in order to lose weight. Some said that eating too much of these fatty foods would lead to clogged arteries and sudden heart attacks.
I was undaunted by these claims and determined to lose my potbelly before those lazy, hazy; days of summer required me to no longer wear Flannel shirts, sweaters and heavy coats that had at least partially covered up my protruding potbelly. It’s difficult at times to tell who is overweight in the winter, but once summer arrives it’s not too much of a challenge. I much prefer wearing a swimsuit during the summer and being able to look down and see my toes rather than looking down and counting the hairs around my belly button. Plus, some things really grow and thrive under shady areas while other things just aren’t given much of a chance.
While I was eating my Adkins style breakfast (Atkins style breakfast) one morning, consisting of my usual ten scrambled eggs and a pound of bacon the radio interrupted with "breaking news" that Dr. Adkins (Atkins) had suddenly died in New York City. All my unhealthy thoughts about this fatty diet flashed thru my mind and "phooey" a mouth full of bacon & eggs landed upon the floor. Later the radio stated that Dr. Adkins (Atkins) had slipped on some ice and this was the resulting cause of his untimely death. I was somewhat relieved that his diet wasn’t the cause of his death, but it had to have some sort of an effect, because the Atkins Diet (Atkins Diet) has to be one of the most boring diets that I have ever attempted.
During the last 10 boring days on this Adkins’s Diet (Atkins Diet) I lost a total of 3 ounces. Sure, a pound of bacon per day plus all of the pork chops, beefsteak, bratwurst, and sausages I can consume per day is rather unique; it’s also incredibly tiresome. If we are really supposed to "live each day as if it were our last" I sure wouldn’t want to have any regrets. Suppose I were walking across a street today and saw a Greyhound Bus barreling down upon me and realizing that death was imminent; I wouldn’t want my last thoughts to be "Gee, I coulda had a cookie!"
Day after day it’s the same ‘ol, same ‘ol. Meat, meat, meat, eggs, eggs, eggs, and Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner no longer remain as something I look forward to. I can fully understand how someone could be driving along dreaming about having some apple juice, a beer, some fruit, some cake, a piece of pie, or a cookie and become distracted and cause an accident. This has to be one of the unhealthiest parts of the diet. The boredom is oppressing and almost unbearable. No wonder my caveman ancestors died at such young ages. Sure, I can understand not having Baseball, Football, Television and no Movies, but life without Cakes, Cookies and Chocolates is just nothing to look forward to.
I can’t imagine caveman Birthday Parties. "Hey Grog, blow out the candles on your baked chicken and make a wish." I suppose that Baby Showers would feature those little tiny turtles and snails as finger foods. Then the Wedding Cake would be replaced with what? A Baked Pig with an apple in its mouth? Would they then toss the apple instead of a bouquet to see who would become the next vegetarian? Those are some Wedding photos that I would really like to see.
Since I was becoming increasingly bored, depressed, and despondent with the Adkins Diet (Atkins Diet) ; I decided that I would try some other tactics, something fun, something enjoyable, something to look forward to each day, something I could really sink my teeth into and not lose them.
Cookies and milk seems to work the best. Any kind of cookies with 100% all natural milk, you know, the healthy organic stuff and naturally made "Organic Cookies" for those of us that are health-conscious adults. This diet is both delightful and enjoyable. I call this "The Happy Diet", because I’m in a tremendous almost giddy mood each and every day.
"How much weight have you lost?" you may ask.
"Nary a pound, in fact I’ve gained about 30 in the last month or so."
"Aren’t buying bigger clothes all the time expensive?"
"Nope, because I no longer wear common ordinary clothes."
At first I started wearing Togas, but too many college students thought I was a College Professor trying to crash one of their parties. Then I started wearing a Robe just like a Roman Senator, but I was constantly being chased by big, burly, fellows wearing white coats and there’s really not much difference between Hospital food and the unique fare a Mental Hospital has to offer. If you were to complain about the food in a Mental Hospital they would just say "Hey, this is delicious, you must be nuts!"
So, what works best for me is a Santa Clause suit. Yeah, sure, it looks a bit hot in the summer, but you can always wear the Santa Clause Summer outfit when the temperatures rise above 70 degrees. The added benefit of wearing a Santa Clause outfit is that my grandkids are absolutely thrilled, plus most kids over 4 years of age really love Santa Clause. No matter where I go kids are always happy to see me although their parents kinda cringe a little. I no longer have to worry about gaining weight and I can eat whatever I want, I just have to be very careful I don’t promise any of these children a pony for Christmas.
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