The other day while I was walking down the street I happened to see a rather small, old Catholic Church with a tall steeple and beautiful stained glass windows. Stained is probably the keyword here, because as I was reading the sign about their times of worship services and daily Mass there was a time listed for Confession. It seems that each Saturday from 4:30 to 5:00 P.M. we are allowed to confess our sins.
Well, I sure don’t see any way that I could ever be Catholic! Gee, whiz, thirty minutes on a Saturday afternoon just isn’t nearly enough time for me to confess my countless sins. Do numbers really go that high? Gosh, do I have that many Saturday afternoons left before I die? I’m quite sure I’d have this Priest booked each Saturday afternoon from 4:30 to 5:00 P.M. for months and months at a time.
The other members of this Church wouldn’t have any time at all to confess their sins. Thirty minutes just isn’t enough time for me. They’d probably have to expand confession from 4:00 to Midnight and then have Midnight Mass, or something. Shucks, I’ll bet they would have to have some relief Priests come in from all over the City, State, and the rest of our Country just to give this local Priest a break. Just like in Baseball, they’d have a Starter, Middle Reliever, Late Night Specialist, and a Closer from 11:00P.M. till Midnight.
They might even have to have “tag teams” of Priests like they do in wrestling. The Catholic Seminaries would probably have to start teaching classes for specialists in Confessionals. Just like Doctors specialize in “Eye”, “Ear, Nose, and Throat”, “Foot”, “Stomach”, and other parts of the body that I don’t really care to mention; the Catholic Church would be training hundreds and thousands of Confession Priests.
Yep, in several years my Priest would just have to tell me: “Well, Joe, I’ve done all I can and we are so backed up that I’m gonna have to refer you to a Specialist.” “Father O’Malley has just graduated “Magna Sum Lisner” with honors and he comes highly recommended.” “Unfortunately, he only works eight hours per day, so it may take awhile.”
So little time, so many sins, but there is really no way I could ever be a member of a Catholic Church. Sure, my Bible does say that we should confess our sins: Leviticus 26:40 – 45 in the Old Agreement and in the New Agreement (Contract) 1 John 1:9-10 “ If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from “all” unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.”
Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I am far, far from perfect and there are just not enough ways to say thank you for sending your only son to take my place on the cross. Jesus is “tougher than nails” and came back from the grave to give us a new life here in this present world and later, God willing in the New Jerusalem in a totally new world.
Father, you are also a great time saver, because when I read your servant Paul’s words given to him by the Holy Spirit in his letter to the Ephesians Chapter two verses 1 thru 10 it tells me of another wonderful gift you have given all who will learn of you.
Yep, I could never be a Catholic, because there are just not enough hours in the day for me to confess all my sins. I think they would run out of Priests before I was done. The Catholic Church has been around for almost two thousand years and I sure wouldn’t want to upset the old Apple Cart and have to be the one responsible for having all those thousands of Priests listening to my sins all day and night long.
Talk about job security! Well, sure they would be secure, but where would I ever find the time to hold down a full time job. Shucks, I think I’d have to retire, or go on welfare or something to be able to spend all my remaining years in the Confessional. How would I ever be able to wash my clothes and cook?
Well, I suppose they could install a washer and dryer in this small church somewhere and I do know that the Catholic Church allows real wine during Communion. If they allow wine then there’s probably a good possibility they would allow beer. I’m pretty sure Noah made several kegs of beer during, or after the flood and celebrated with a few warm ones after the waters receded and revealed dry land.
Hum, I wonder if the Priests would order in Pizza? Pizza and an Ice Cold Shiner Bock would be nice and Pecan Pie. I really do like Pecan Pie. Yeah, it’s made from nuts. I suppose while several Confessional Priests and I are having something to eat to regain our strength for the next Confession Session some of the other Specialty Priests would be able to hear some of the other folks Confessions.
I suppose this little Catholic Church could just imitate some of the larger stores like K-Mart, Walgreen’s, King Soopers, etc. and remain open 24 hours per day. Yep, I can just see it now. This little Catholic Church would have a big blinking neon sign on top of the steeple (Under the Cross, of course) proclaiming, “Open 24 hours, We never close."
The Church would probably have to post an hours of operation for the Confessional. Please take a number; it may be awhile, because Joe is still in the Confessional with the Specialty Priests. Several of our Priests and Joe have an evening snack between 9:15 and 9:45, Supper at 1:15 after Midnight Mass, Breakfast between 6;00 A.M. – 7:00A.M.
Perhaps this little Catholic Church could also save a little money and invest in a Refrigerator Freezer to hold all our Wine, Beer, DiGorno Pizza, and Pure Vanilla Ice Cream. After hours and hours of Confessing Sins it would really be nice if after saying all my Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers the Priests would allow me to have some Pecan Pie with Ice Cream.
I’m pretty sure that Pecans don’t fall into the category of “Forbidden Fruit”, because Pecans are a Tree Nut and Pure Vanilla Ice Cream is in the “Land of Milk and Honey” realm. So, I think a big slice of Pecan Pie and Ice Cream is not a sin. Whenever I’m shopping at the Grocery Store I try to avoid the Fruit Department at all costs because I certainly don’t want to have to confess indulging in “Forbidden Fruit.”
Apple Pies are a pretty safe bet, because they are in the Bakery Department and I must confess that I also like Apple Pie with Ice Cream. If I eat too much Pizza, Bratwurst, Apple Pie, and Pecan Pie, then I’m guilty of Gluttony, which is one of the seven deadly sins. The other six are Sloth, Lust, Greed, Envy, and I must confess that I have forgotten the other two.
I may never get out of the 24 hour Catholic Confessional. I truly do thank God for giving us his Amazing Grace.
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