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Talkin' Texan Book - Austin, Texas

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Texan – English

Aws tun – Austin

Well, every state has a Capitol and Texas is no exception to the rule. The state capitol is called Austin and is conveniently located in central Texas. Austin was named after Steven F. Austin one of the hero’s of the battle for the Alamo. Hardly anything is named after Santa Anna, who was the leader on the other side of the battle. If you happen to be visiting from Los Angeles or New York City you may become a little homesick while driving here during rush-hour.

There is really no rush, as you’ll probably be doing about 3 miles per hour in your car, or stuck in a major gridlock. The Texas Legislature did this on purpose so that tourists visiting from the big cities from out of state would feel right at home.

When I was in high school our civics class took a field trip to see the Texas Legislature in action. They call them field trips because we would have to cross a field to get to the school bus. I didn’t see much action in the Legislature, except for one fellow kinda flirting with his secretary, while another fellow was standing at the podium talking about traffic, streets, highways and stuff, most of the other legislators would be reading books, walking around, sleeping, eating donuts, drinking coffee, apparently doing their legislative-type stuff. Most government workers at least try to look busy while on the job, and I suppose that since a bunch of people elected them to their jobs, they just don’t have to put up with this pretense.

The following are some actual Texas State laws, I ain’t making these laws up, although at times I wish I were.

"It’s against the law for anyone to have a pair of pliers in his or her possession."

Apparently there is no law against them having, blowguns, machetes, knives, or axes. I suppose that this law does work, because I’ve never heard of a "plier murderer".

"When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone."

Well folks, now you know why train travel is not as popular as it once was in Texas. They should have added all railroad crossings shall have picnic areas. Then again, now I know why I was never elected to higher office.

A recently passed anti-crime law "requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of crime to be committed."

I really feel safer, just knowing that this law is on the books, because our Texas legislators saying that they are tough on crime is not just a lot of talk, they have rolled up their shirtsleeves, and made bold brilliant, decisions against crime. Ain’t it nice to know that the next time you’re gonna be a crime victim, that the perpetrator is highly educated and has good communication skills? Plus you’ll have a 24-hour notice to correct any flaws in their writing skills. My old English teacher must be absolutely thrilled.

"It is illegal to have more than three sips of beer while standing."
This law seems to be a safety issue. Although making it mandatory that all bar stools require seat belts could possibly be the next addition to this law. What’s nice is that there is no law that forbids taking more than three sips of beer, and dancing at the same time.

If you happen to observe an individual laying in the gutter drinking a beer, please be aware that there appears to be no law against this activity. However as soon as this individual stands up and takes more than three sips of beer, please report this activity to the nearest law enforcement officer. If there is no law enforcement officer in sight, please check the nearest doughnut shop to see if one or more are available.

There is also a very confusing law about drinking and driving in the state of Texas. Signs are posted everywhere that say it is against the law to drink and drive. As a good citizen, I do try to obey each and every law. However there should be a law against someone tempting you to break the law. Just the other day when I pulled up to the local drive up window at a fast food restaurant and placed my order, they asked me:

"Would you like something to drink with that?"

I replied: " No, Thank you, I’m driving".

"The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home."

The people at the Encyclopedia Britannica are now working on a revision on this making beer at home part to see if they can get this ban lifted. They will be adding that you may also be able to make beer in limousines and at state capitols. Hopefully, if in the meantime your home is raided by the local swat team because you happen to have a banned copy of this encyclopedia in your home, you won’t be standing around sipping a beer. It would probably be a good idea not to have any open containers of doughnuts in your home. It is also against the law to tempt or bribe any officer of the law.ã

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